| Clarity |
| Thursday, September 07 2006 |
|
The last 12 months have been a bit of an up and down ride for me. About this time a year ago Pillar contacted me about helping to lead a large project for a major client of theirs. It had a lot of upside (.NET 2.0, good pay, and agile practices to mention a few) but it had a downside: it was an hour and a half drive *each way* from where I live. I talked it over with my boss (i.e. the wife) and we agreed that since my part in the project should be wrapping up around May of this year, I could do it. I knew that the drive was going to be a drag at times, but it was just something I was going to deal with.
Well, like any other software project in the history of software projects, things did not go quite as planned. Don't get me wrong, a lot of things went right, but we did struggle through certain aspects of the project and have fought many battles to get us to where we are today. It always seemed that as soon as things were running smoothly something would happen that caused setbacks, delays, or a slowdown in velocity. It's been a great project to work on, but like anything else, it's been frustrating at times.
Seeing as how things didn't quite go like we expected, there was no way I could start to roll off the project by May. Just wasn't going to happen. About this time the daily commute was really wearing on me, so much so that I dreaded getting up, not because of going to work, but because of driving so far to get there. The good news is that I'm done with the project at the end of this month. The project won't be done, but it'll be in good enough shape that I feel comfortable leaving it. I had to set a hard date sometime, and besides, James will still be there.
And the long daily drive had a major ripple effect on my personal life. Since I almost always needed to put a full day in at the client site, and during normal work hours, I was leaving home before my family got up and was getting home later than normal, anywhere between 6:30 and 8:00. The kids go to bed between 8:30 and 9:00, so my time with the kids suffered greatly, and there were days I didn't see them at all because I needed to put in some extra hours or I would stay overnight.
Plus, all the while this is going on (for the last few months anyway), Pillar and I have been negotiating about joining their company full-time to oversee all of their .NET practices. An intriguing position to be in, and at one point I thought it was a done deal. But in the end I said no and decided to remain independent, not because of anything on their side, but because I felt it would have been a 3-5 year detour from where I'm trying to get to. Allow me to explain.
Anyone who knows me knows my family is the single most important thing in my life. The lack of family time over the last 12 months has had a huge impact on me. Those long drives provided me lots of time for just me and my thoughts, and as time went on things started becoming clearer and clearer. You see, my kids are 8, 6, and 4. In 5 years my oldest with be a teenager, and in 10 years he'll be off to college. My one-on-one time with him is very short. Now that the kids are in school, there are times I might only get 15-20 minutes of *real* time with my oldest during the week (take into account the time I get home, his homework, dinner, showers, and getting them off to bed). 15-20 minutes! Could you handle that insane short amount of time to spend with your kids? I can't, and I refuse to let that go on any longer.
So things have become clear. I've always felt that my career is on a path, but I've never been exactly sure what that path is. I knew I was on it, but it's always been kind of fuzzy, and I've always let other things take away from that path. That's probably because the path wasn't clear, but it is now.
Let me put it this way, I can tell you precisely what is is that I want to do: I want to be able to wake up on any given day and decide whether or not I have to work. It's as simple as that. It's that kind of ultimate freedom I'm after. Some people think that's called retirement. I say that's way too late. That's 30-40 years from now! The hell with that. I want to be able to wake up and decide that instead of working all day, I'm going to take my kids to school, or take them to lunch, or work on finishing stuff around the house, or wash the cars, or work in the yard, or whatever. Or, I want to get some work done in the morning, spend time with the kids after school, and then get some more work done after they go to bed. I'm tired of only getting to do all those things on weekends, which are always busy anyway for us as a family, which means I never get to finish anything around the house. I'm tired of only getting to spend time with my kids on the weekend, which as I just mentioned are usually hectic, which means I don't actually get to spend enough time with them.
Some of you might be shaking your head or laughing at what I just said and are thinking, "No shit Dave, that's what everyone wants". But the problem is that most people don't have a plan about how to get there. Most people think you've got to be wealthy to live a life like that. I don't belive that at all. You certainly need *enough* money to make it happen, but the amount will vary for everyone and their situation.
And in saying all this, you must realize a couple things. First, I'm a workaholic by nature, so I'm *always* going to be working. I'm not the person who wants the type of life where they wake up every day and does absolutely nothing. But I want to be working on my stuff and decide when to work on it. Also, if I could have that kind of freedom and just do it with my current house, current cars, current bills, etc, etc, then that would be awesome. See, don't correlate that kind of freedom to wealth, that's not what I'm after (sure, if for some reason I get wealthy, I'm not going to turn down the money, I mean come on).
What I'm trying to say is the clarity for me comes from looking at my work-life (un)balance and realizing that if I'm going to let a company dictate how and when I work, then that company is going to be my company. I don't know what that company is or what it's going to produce, but that's not really the point. The point is that it allows me to decide when and where I'm going to work, which leads back to how much time I get with the kids. That's what it's all about. Nothing more, nothing less.
I know I've kind of rambled on a bit, but just know that this is really about me putting my foot down on myself and saying no to anything that takes away from this path. I see it all so clear now, it's amazing actually. Frees the mind in a way.
Clarity is a beautiful thing.
Well, like any other software project in the history of software projects, things did not go quite as planned. Don't get me wrong, a lot of things went right, but we did struggle through certain aspects of the project and have fought many battles to get us to where we are today. It always seemed that as soon as things were running smoothly something would happen that caused setbacks, delays, or a slowdown in velocity. It's been a great project to work on, but like anything else, it's been frustrating at times.
Seeing as how things didn't quite go like we expected, there was no way I could start to roll off the project by May. Just wasn't going to happen. About this time the daily commute was really wearing on me, so much so that I dreaded getting up, not because of going to work, but because of driving so far to get there. The good news is that I'm done with the project at the end of this month. The project won't be done, but it'll be in good enough shape that I feel comfortable leaving it. I had to set a hard date sometime, and besides, James will still be there.
And the long daily drive had a major ripple effect on my personal life. Since I almost always needed to put a full day in at the client site, and during normal work hours, I was leaving home before my family got up and was getting home later than normal, anywhere between 6:30 and 8:00. The kids go to bed between 8:30 and 9:00, so my time with the kids suffered greatly, and there were days I didn't see them at all because I needed to put in some extra hours or I would stay overnight.
Plus, all the while this is going on (for the last few months anyway), Pillar and I have been negotiating about joining their company full-time to oversee all of their .NET practices. An intriguing position to be in, and at one point I thought it was a done deal. But in the end I said no and decided to remain independent, not because of anything on their side, but because I felt it would have been a 3-5 year detour from where I'm trying to get to. Allow me to explain.
Anyone who knows me knows my family is the single most important thing in my life. The lack of family time over the last 12 months has had a huge impact on me. Those long drives provided me lots of time for just me and my thoughts, and as time went on things started becoming clearer and clearer. You see, my kids are 8, 6, and 4. In 5 years my oldest with be a teenager, and in 10 years he'll be off to college. My one-on-one time with him is very short. Now that the kids are in school, there are times I might only get 15-20 minutes of *real* time with my oldest during the week (take into account the time I get home, his homework, dinner, showers, and getting them off to bed). 15-20 minutes! Could you handle that insane short amount of time to spend with your kids? I can't, and I refuse to let that go on any longer.
So things have become clear. I've always felt that my career is on a path, but I've never been exactly sure what that path is. I knew I was on it, but it's always been kind of fuzzy, and I've always let other things take away from that path. That's probably because the path wasn't clear, but it is now.
Let me put it this way, I can tell you precisely what is is that I want to do: I want to be able to wake up on any given day and decide whether or not I have to work. It's as simple as that. It's that kind of ultimate freedom I'm after. Some people think that's called retirement. I say that's way too late. That's 30-40 years from now! The hell with that. I want to be able to wake up and decide that instead of working all day, I'm going to take my kids to school, or take them to lunch, or work on finishing stuff around the house, or wash the cars, or work in the yard, or whatever. Or, I want to get some work done in the morning, spend time with the kids after school, and then get some more work done after they go to bed. I'm tired of only getting to do all those things on weekends, which are always busy anyway for us as a family, which means I never get to finish anything around the house. I'm tired of only getting to spend time with my kids on the weekend, which as I just mentioned are usually hectic, which means I don't actually get to spend enough time with them.
Some of you might be shaking your head or laughing at what I just said and are thinking, "No shit Dave, that's what everyone wants". But the problem is that most people don't have a plan about how to get there. Most people think you've got to be wealthy to live a life like that. I don't belive that at all. You certainly need *enough* money to make it happen, but the amount will vary for everyone and their situation.
And in saying all this, you must realize a couple things. First, I'm a workaholic by nature, so I'm *always* going to be working. I'm not the person who wants the type of life where they wake up every day and does absolutely nothing. But I want to be working on my stuff and decide when to work on it. Also, if I could have that kind of freedom and just do it with my current house, current cars, current bills, etc, etc, then that would be awesome. See, don't correlate that kind of freedom to wealth, that's not what I'm after (sure, if for some reason I get wealthy, I'm not going to turn down the money, I mean come on).
What I'm trying to say is the clarity for me comes from looking at my work-life (un)balance and realizing that if I'm going to let a company dictate how and when I work, then that company is going to be my company. I don't know what that company is or what it's going to produce, but that's not really the point. The point is that it allows me to decide when and where I'm going to work, which leads back to how much time I get with the kids. That's what it's all about. Nothing more, nothing less.
I know I've kind of rambled on a bit, but just know that this is really about me putting my foot down on myself and saying no to anything that takes away from this path. I see it all so clear now, it's amazing actually. Frees the mind in a way.
Clarity is a beautiful thing.
7 comment(s) so far
Dave,
Wow. Last year I took a break from being an independant consultant to work for a local company. That lasted exactly 11 months before I realized I hated being away from my family all day for exactly the reasons you described above.
I left in January of this year and have enjoyed every bit of it. When I left my job, my resignation letter said I was leaving to spend more time with my family and everyone understood and was very cool about it.
Of course, the issue is, at least for me, keeping the working coming in so I can continue to work when I want to work, take my daughter to school (or pick her up), etc.
BTW, I just upgraded to Subtext yesterday as well. :-) Strange.
Good luck.
mike
good post
Great post Dave.
Thanks guys.
Dave,
Thanks for the post. I know quite a few others, including myself, that share your feelings about family and work.
Good Luck!
Nice move committing to a project and then using your blog to rationalize why you should break your promise and leave without finishing the job. Way to deliver! I hope your "plan" doesn't involve more consulting engagements. Why would a client want to hire you knowing that you might wake up one morning and decide to do some yardwork instead of coming in and doing your job?
Jason,
Heh, good point. My plan does not include more consulting engagements, at least not in the long term. Of course that's what I have to do in order to get where I'd like to be, but once I get there (if I ever get there), then no, I won't do consulting anymore. That's the point.
That being said, while I am still consulting I am always committed to the client and its project. Hard to be a leader if you're not committed. I'm able to leave my current project because it is in good hands with a few other people who are also good leaders. If that wasn't the case I wouldn't be leaving. Afterall, I am somewhat of a professional.
But thanks for caring ;-)